Dear survivor from another survivor x

Dear survivor

I know life is really tough at the moment and you feel like your stuck in this huge black tunnel and you can’t seem to find even a glimmer of light or begin to find a way out but i’m here to tell you one day maybe not now maybe not next week or next month because learning to heal has no time limit that things will get better. I know how you have this constant weight on your shoulders crushing you weighing heavy on your test and it never goes away and I know you ask yourself why me every single day and question every single inch of yourself finding every tiny thing to blame yourself because that’s what’s been drilled into your head that you must have done something wrong, that it was your fault but I want you to know it wasn’t your fault, you’ve done nothing wrong you have nothing to feel guilty the people who should feel guilty are the ones who did this to you not you because it was never your fault it is never the victim’s fault. I know sometimes all the things they said to you ring in your ears still and how you find it hard to look at yourself in the mirror but I want you to know that you are beautiful, you are worthy and you are brave. I know sometimes it feels like you’ll never get over what has happened to you that you’ll never be able to move on or life a normal life but i’m here to tell you that you will. You will move on with your life, you’ll begin to heal and it won’t be easy. It will be shit it will be painful but just staying alive by keeping on going will be worth it for all of the things you’ll achieve. Staying alive and keeping on going will be so worth it for that feeling when you realise one day that you’ve stopped just surviving that now you’re thriving and that feeling is indescribable. You are capable of amazing things despite what has happened to you because you are not what they did to you, this doesn’t define you. You are your hopes and your dreams your the love and kindness you show the ones you love, you are the strength and bravery you show everyday what happened to you doesn’t define you, you will achieve your dreams you’ve already come so far, I want you to know I believe in you and I know you are capable and worthy of a beautiful life so please just keep going, just keep breathing. You can get through this.

Love

Another survivor x

My 2021 goals

Hello lovelies. I hope you’re all well and doing ok. This new year was really strange for me, everything just felt a bit off however I had a lovely night with pizza and a few gins with my family and we saw the new year together. I’m very happy to see the back of 2020 and I cannot wait to see all the great things 2021 holds. Firstly I just wanted to say I’ve learnt over the past few years that new year’s resolutions are really for me. I end up putting so much pressure on myself and that doesn’t do my mental health any good. Instead this year i’ve decided to just set some goals but small things no pressure just things I’d like to be able to achieve and If i don’t this year then that’s ok because everyone does life at their own pace. I think it’s also important to add that I know for me seeing other people’s new year’s resolutions and things overwhelm me and make me feel like i’m not successful enough or im not good enough and all of those negative thoughts Im sure we all know too well, but I think it’s important to say that any achievement no matter how small even just simply surviving is amazing and it’s absolutely ok to live life at your own pace to just do you, you don’t need to be anyone else.

So here are a few of my goals for 2021.

  • To keep my blog going, to keep writing and posting.
  • To complete some more therapy.
  • To love myself.
  • To actually write in my planner to stay on top of uni work.
  • To speak up.
  • To exercise.
  • To do everything at my own pace.

These are just a few things I’ve thought off that I thought might be good for me to have a note off. However if I don’t manage to achieve any of these then that’s ok. 

I hope 2021 is kind to you all, I hope you stay healthy and well x

Just Keep swimming x

Love

Rainandflowers (mia)

Reporting sexual abuse as a child.

Hello lovelies, I hope you’re all well and doing ok. I thought I would write about my experience reporting sexual abuse as a child. I did also report later on in my life but I wanted to write a post on how it was for me as a 7 year old child. I will write another post about the process and experiences I had with reporting when I was in my teens but in this post I just wanted to talk about my experience reporting as a child. It’s difficult to know where to start but I’m just going to give my best. There’s 1000 thoughts going around in my head so I’m sorry if this is a bit all over the place.

Growing up I lived with my Mom, Dad , my brothers who were born when I was 4 and my Grandad. I was loved and cared for so much by my mom and dad, they did everything for me and my brothers but it wasn’t just me being groomed it was them too. It’s important to know that abusers don’t just groom their victims they also groom everyone around them. My Grandad always treated me extra specially compared to my brothers. I was his favourite, He’d buy me sweets and nice things. My brothers were still on baby’s so my Grandad would say to my Mom and Dad he’d take me out to help them out, but we weren’t just going out for the day. He began abusing at 3 when he began inappropriately touching and as I grew older it progressed to other things. He abused me at home and when we went out for the day. He introduced me to his friends at the local social club and they’d buy me a drink or sweets and they started to abuse me too. I was confused I had no idea what was happening to me was wrong because I loved my Grandad he used to say things like “its a game.” , ” he loves me very much.”, ” It our little secret.” I didn’t understand what was happening to me. Sometimes things felt bad and I felt embarrassed but I didn’t think what was happening was wrong. He used to tell me that it’s my fault, that nobody would believe me, that my mom and dad would hate me and I hung on his every word I believed all the things he said to me.

When I was 7/8 something happened that changed my life, I believe if this didn’t happen I would never have told I’m not sure if i’d be alive now. I lived on a street with some older girls. We were really good friends and played together all the time. One of the girls helped teach me to ride my bike. We loved playing in the garden and in the street together. What I didn’t know about these girls is that my Grandad had been inappropriate to them, I never found out the details about what happened to the girls but they were brave enough to tell. The way I found out was we were sitting on the wall outside and the girls were saying I was too young to hear what they were talking about but eventually they told me. I don’t remember exactly what they told me but later that night I was in the bath and I repeated to my Mom what the girls had said to me and some other things and straight away my Mom and Dad told him he needed to leave straight away. I remember being in the bath and he tried to come in and asked if he could say goodbye but my mom and dad wouldn’t let him get through. I remember looking out of the window and seeing him drive off.

Not long after that social services and the police got involved. I remember this lady coming to my house and sitting me and my brothers at the table, she had a box of crayons and paper and she asked us to draw muddles. A muddle is basically scribbles on a page and the bigger the mess the more confused and upset that showed. My brothers Muddles were just small and didn’t stand out; they were too young to know what was going on where as mine filled the entire page it was very messy. This flagged to the social worker that something wasn’t right with me and they needed to talk to me more.

My Grandad was banned from coming to our house, he wasn’t allowed near me or my brothers whilst the investigation was happening. After seeing the social worker I was sent to get help from the NSPCC to support me. I was so young at the time It all just felt scary and confusing. There were two ladies who I worked with Liz and Helen and they were the kindest, most caring ladies. I began seeing them and I started to open up a bit but not enough I was still scared and confused. I have this specific memory of going to the NSPCC which looked like a house and I sat in the room with both Liz and Helen and we got the sylvanian families out and dolls and They asked me to choose the different dolls for family members. They then asked to place them anywhere in the room, I put my mom and dad, my brothers and me in the same place but I put my Grandad in this box in the corner of the room and I remember them asking where I’d put him and I remember saying Africa. I just wanted him to go away, but that couldn’t happen. 

Time went on and my primary school was informed and I was really looked after at school. I had the most lovely teacher. She was one of the kindest women I know she always made sure I was ok. My Grandad would drive past the school gates and hang around the car park by my school because there was a pub there and I became so scared. He was told by the police he needed to stay away.

My mom gave this bear and I still have her, her name is honey and I don’t think I’ll ever get rid of her honey was my everything. Honey was brought for me as comfort and I’d wanted to build a bear for so long and the time was perfect as my police interview was coming up and I needed comfort, I was having nightmares and I wouldn’t sleep in my own room and my parents thought having a teddy who I could love could help me. My birthday came and I was given little clothes for honey and I adored everything honey was so precious to me. 

Eventually my police interview came around and I can remember it like it was yesterday. I picked an outfit out for honey. I dressed her in this checked dress and little white shoes, my favourite outfit of hers. It was a horrid grey day the weather was grim, I remember having this feeling in my tummy that I can’t describe. Once we got to the place which just looked like a house/flats and my mom walked up these stairs and I remember that’s when I started to feel scared. There were two chairs and my mom was told she had to wait outside for me. I chose Liz from the NSPCC to come in with me. I think I liked her best, I remember her picking me up in her little mini and I thought she was so lovely and cool. Inside the interview room there were leather sofas and a coffee table that had bears on the police man and Liz sat on one side and I sat on the other clutching honey. I remember the leather sofa being so uncomfortable and feeling so small and scared about this policeman. Throughout the interview I struggled to explain and say the words I remember the feeling of my face burning because I was so embarrassed I remember just wanting to cry but I knew I couldn’t. I said some things that had happened to me, I did my best but I was just so young. There was so much I blocked out and didn’t understand. I remember coming out of that room and hugging my mom so tightly and trying so hard to not cry.

Life kind of went on. I didn’t really understand what happened after the interview. I just kept going to school and seeing Liz and Helen. Eventually the CPS decided that there wasn’t enough evidence for my case to go to court. Which now as an adult I know is just wrong. However the other girls did go to court. The trial went on for a couple of days and during that time I went to stay with my family away from what was happening at home. He was found not guilty. He was free. Soon after that we moved away. It was all shoved under the rug, I wouldn’t talk about it I just wanted to forget. I was still having nightmares but I started to get on ok. Until my teens where things changed and I began to really struggle.

Thank you for reading this chapter in my story. I want you to know that you’re not alone, that you’re strong and brave and that I believe in you. Keep going x

Love

Rainandflowersx (mia)

Welcome to my blog x

Hello lovelies, welcome to my blog I’m Mia and I’m a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. Because of what happened to me as a child I now live with CPTSD, EUPD and a dissociative disorder. I wanted to start my blog to help other survivors and those struggling with mental illness and create a safe space to share my journey past and present and my thoughts on certain topics and advice. I’m definitely no professional or anything like that I’m only a expert in my own experiences and hopefully some of the things I’ve learnt and been through might help other survivors and people struggling with their mental health to know that there not alone and things do get better. I’m still learning to heal and trying to learn ways of coping with my mental illness’s but I have come such a long way and I’m determined to live a beautiful successful life and make little mia proud. I really want to be able to help other survivors and others struggling with their mental health because I remember feeling so alone and ashamed and If can help just one person that’s amazing to me. I think its important to not let your past define who you are as a person, yes what happened to me has been a huge part in who I am as a person but its not who I am its just a part of me. I’m a university student, I’m a loving daughter, I’m a loving kind friend, I’m a performer I am just mia. But lastly I’m brave and determined and these are the things that define me.

I hope my blog can help as many people as possible and educate those who don’t know much about childhood sexual abuse and mental illness, to make change we need to educate and speak up for those who carn’t. please know I believe in you, you will get through this maybe not now but you will eventually and keeping on swimming will be worth it.

Just keep on swimming x

Love

Rainandflowersx (Mia)

My Story…

Growing up I was such a girly girl, I was into all of the princesses and the barbies and dressing up anything remotely girly you bet I was into it. I grew up in a normal house on a normal street nothing out of the ordinary I lived with my mom, dad and my baby twin brothers who were born when I was 4 and my grandad who I’d always lived with. My house was a happy house myself and brother never wanted for everything we were spoilt and loved so so much. We were always well looked after and me being a girly girly girl a never wanted a hair out of place my mom did my hair every morning we were loved unconditionally but nobody saw past the perfect ponytails. I’d never known life any different I’d always lived with my parents and my grandad he was like the third parent. I was his favourite, I was his special girl, I always got better presents and more days out with him than my brothers he used to say to my mom and dad “ I’ll take mia out u need a break because of the twins.” He appeared some kind of hero a kind man but he wasn’t just taking me out for the day that’s not what was happening. From the moment I was born he started grooming me he brought me sweets and gifts and treated me special but I thought it was normal. We’d go out for days out and be gone from morning until night in his ugly old red car. During that time he’d do things to me things that I didn’t want to do but at the time I didn’t know it was wrong I thought it’s what grandads do. He always told me it was our little secrete and not too tell. It started with touching and then into sex. I knew it felt wrong but I just didn’t understand. He used to take me to the local social club where I would see his friends who were around his age and they’d by me some crisps and a drink or some sweets and then they’d do things to me in the toilets. My grandad would abuse me at home the home that my mom and dad had no idea what was happening in he completed manipulated and groomed them and they now live with PTSD too. Eventually something happens that changed my life a girl from down our street told someone about my granddads inappropriate behaviour all the young girls on my street where friends and then as soon as she spoke out another girl felt comfortable enough to tell her parents and then the third girl did too. That’s when alarm bells started to ring. I was so confused and scared he was asked to leave our home. I did a police interview at age 8 I didn’t say much because I couldn’t I was embarrassed I didn’t understand he told me I’d never be believed and mom and dad would hate me so I just didn’t say anything I refused to let myself go their. My grandad was taken to court by the other girls and he was found not guilty I moved away with my family because we decided it wasn’t safe there. As I grew up I started to remember things I was getting flashbacks I was self harming and I tried to take my life 4 times. I decided I wanted to report at age 16/17. I did multiple interviews I was receiving help from my amazing CYSVA who I can say saved my life and I was seeing a physiatrist for my CPTSD, BPD and dissociative disorder. I was treated awfully by the West Midlands police it took them 2 years to make a CPS decision of no further action. One of the reasons was because of on my counselling notes a counsellor wrote mia says she sometimes feels like it was a dream. This was when I was having nightmares of the memories I was having. They didn’t think I was mentally capable which just is ridiculous. But I don’t let there decision define me because my grandad did what he did and his friends did what they did and I am believed I am loved and I’m worthy I live with PTSD and BPD but I also am a scholarship uni student, a loving daughter, a best friend and finally I’m alive and breathing. Little Mia would be proud x